Thursday, April 27, 2017

An excerpt from a book I'll never write



You don't even know me
Not at all,
Not even a little.

I hate it. I hate that you care so much but at the same time you don't.
I hate that you seem to forget a lot of things that I used to tell you, I bet you didn't even think about their significance. Sometimes I think how it's possible. How can a person that I tell everything to forget the most basic and fundamental things about me. You acted as if I never told you anything, like it was my fault that you forgot and maybe I was wrong and for the record you were the only person I told everything to. And I hoped that you would know me well enough to not tell anyone these things i told you but, you kept doing it. Again and again and again. You know I've lost a few friends because of this habit of yours and I still let it all go. I still told you things, I told you everything and you still acted like it wasn't enough, like I was the one with the secrets and skeletons in my closet. You pushed too hard even when you knew I needed my own space when I needed it and still, you forget. You kept forgetting the little and big things that I used to tell you. Now it's over and I wonder why you got so many free-passes into my heart.


It's all my fault;

Maybe a little,
Maybe not at all.

"Being a human is easy." Said no person ever. Well, at least I've never said it because it's hard, caring is hard, hurting is hard, staying is hard and most of all loving is hard. I don't know what it is but something in me feels broken, like I can't feel emotions the way others do and I can't love the way others do. Maybe I can't love at all, I'm just not made for that fairytale wonder. So I build walls and shut people out, and maybe everyone does that, maybe I'm not the only crazy one. You were getting too close and I couldn't handle it, I was scared and uncertain and aching and I hated that feeling. I'm sorry that I lied to you and myself, I'm sorry that I made you believe that I was changing. Maybe it's my fault that I'm like this, I used to disappear for days without a single notice. But I like being like this, it makes me feel in control of my own emotions, nothing haunts me more than someone else controlling my emotions. I hate feeling sad for nothing and angry for nothing. And they tell me that this is what love is supposed feel like, "it's magic" they say. But this feeling makes me feel like I'm chained down and I don't want it, any of it. Maybe someday but definitely not today, not anytime soon.

It's my fault.
It's your Fault.
It's our fault.
It's no ones fault.
And I hate that I like the way things are now but the truth is;
I love every second of this new found "freedom".

8 comments :

  1. Well Written has a deep meaning!!
    You're a good writer Rithvika!
    You should write this book.

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    1. Aww thanks! But I'm horrible it at plot development.

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  2. Wow..I would read it if it was a book...really appreciate you ;)

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    1. Thank you Arushi, really needed that.

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  3. This was so beautifully written. hUmans aren't perfect. You are not perfect, we all do things we ponder over later. Don't blame yourself because if you think about it, it was just another situation in your life. Trust me I know. Friends come and go, don't let it affect you too much :-)

    - Rukiya

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    1. Thank you for the kind words Rukiya :D

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Please comment and leave a link to your website/blog! I will defnitely check it out ^-^